no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I have tasted many bathrooms
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
