I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
