somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
