Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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