god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I smell like Dick and happiness
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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