Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
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I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
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So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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