he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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