I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
