Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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