I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
