I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
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I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
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He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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