So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
