We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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