Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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