remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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