last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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