wrigley field is MILF paradise
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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