Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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