and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
