I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
