I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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