she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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