Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Text me some of your sweat
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
