carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Im part way to drunk.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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