covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
