How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
