What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
