I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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