i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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