I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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