Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
