so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
