I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
