This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
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fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.