cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
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Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
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what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?