I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.