So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
