im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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