ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
