WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
