i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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