he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
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I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
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I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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