why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
