Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We need to rekindle our bromance
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.