I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.