break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
