I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
