my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I have feelings that need drinking.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
