I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
