my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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