I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
