I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
