Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
