beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
