Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
