The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
