My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I need water and some morals
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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