Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
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you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
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You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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