Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
