And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
