hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
